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Broken rules

It's been a long time between posts - not because I've had nothing to say but because I’ve not had my hands free to type it. Instead my hands have been occupied by the smallest person in our family. You see, I broke all my rules with this one...

With our other babies I followed an eat-play-sleep routine, I’d pass them to anyone who wanted to hold them, sometimes I played with them on the mat — sometimes I walked away and let them play themselves; and when it came to bedtime I swaddled them tightly, lay them in their cot and walked away. They all slept through the night somewhere between 6-8 months, they self-soothed, self-settled, and rarely ended up in bed with me. I was well rested, energised and had time in my days and in my evenings to do things like read, study, exercise and of course write. I stuck to my rules and it worked.

But I broke all my rules with Finnian.

There is something about a rainbow baby that changes you- especially when you know they will be your last. You want to savour every moment, every stage, every cuddle, every smile. You see every precious thing they do through eyes that want to make each moment last just a little bit longer.

And so somewhere in the last year of all this savouring the moments, we got into the habit of me cuddling Finnian in bed every night — his little fingers wrapped around mine, cradled in the nook of my arm. So we ended up with a little man who is so totally attached to mummy that no one else will do. And I have loved every minute of it.

With Nora and Clodagh I missed out on a lot of the cuddles and late nights on the couch - we were in hospital for the first 6.5 months and then we were thrown into a year of heavy grief and a global pandemic. Somewhere in this time, our tiny Clodagh grew up and sometimes I think I must have blinked and missed it. So yes- I broke all the rules with this one…and my world has been a happier place because of it.

But alas, the time has come to set some rules for our 14 month old baby boy who is quickly morphing from baby into his own little person. Our all-night-snuggles have started to resemble more of a wrestling match- and the fact is both Mummy and Finnian have been in need of sleep- the kind where we both wake up feeling rested and mummy wakes up scratch free. So this little man has moved into his own cot in a bedroom with his big brother- and it is taking both of us a little time to adjust to not being able to hold each other close each night. But the morning reunions are something else! Seeing him smile and reach out his arms to me is food for my weary heart and the consecutive hours of solid sleep is just what the doctor ordered for the both of us!

But gosh I loved breaking all the rules with this one… and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

So keep an eye out - because now that my hands are free at night once more - I'll be writing again.

Stay tuned!


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Sticky fingers & butterfly kisses is  a place to share my journey of motherhood after loss - my hope is that it will be a gentle place for others who are raising children after loss or supporting a loved one who is grieving the loss of a child - a safe place to share our stories and experiences.

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